Mitch Hedberg

1 - 2 - 3 - 4

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg

1 - 2 - 3 - 4

Biography
Type: Comedian
Nationality: American
Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 30, 2005

Links
Find on Amazon: Mitch Hedberg
Related Authors
George Carlin
Steven Wright
Groucho Marx
Rodney Dangerfield
Bill Cosby
W. C. Fields
Mel Brooks
P. J. O'Rourke
More American Comedian Quotes

Quote of the Day
Enjoy five great Quotes of the Day

Your Favorite Topics
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Friendship Quotes
Wisdom Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes

Your Favorite Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Albert Einstein
Benjamin Franklin
Bob Marley
Bruce Lee
Buddha
C. S. Lewis
Dalai Lama
John F. Kennedy
John Wooden
Mark Twain
Marilyn Monroe
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Maya Angelou
Mitch Hedberg
Mohandas Gandhi
Mother Teresa
Muhammad Ali
Ronald Reagan
Steven Wright
Thomas Jefferson
Vince Lombardi
William Shakespeare
Winston Churchill
Yogi Berra

View the original article here