David Letterman

1 - 2

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
David Letterman

1 - 2

View the original article here