From Fear to Love: A Spiritual Journey

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Jan 17, Lost in Thought: Journey Back to the Present Moment - Visitor's Story

by Chuck Koehler
(Westchester, CA, USA)

At an early age, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I started forming a belief system that I was a mistake, unlovable, worthless, somehow flawed, and that other people would only reject, hurt, or abandon me; therefore, I never had any close friends as I never let myself love or be loved by other human beings throughout my life, until recently. This is a story of suffering followed by the healing and recognition of my spirit, which allowed me to forgive myself and my mother, when actually there was no ?one? to forgive.

My beliefs were due to my misperception of my dysfunctional family environment as having something to do with my ?value? as a human being on this planet we call earth. Continued parental neglect, abuse by others, and traumatic events seemed to confirm that human beings can?t be trusted and that there was something wrong with me?I was inherently defective and wasn?t ?good enough?, which further strengthened my beliefs. Also, a couple of traumatic events seemed unique only to me as I have never personally known anyone else who has gone through the same things, such as growing up with a deformity that I tried to keep hidden from the rest of the world as well as developing a chronic myofascial medical condition, which only further entrenched my beliefs as I felt even more different, distinct, and defective.

These early core beliefs as well as my anger towards myself and others eventually manifested into numerous psychological disorders such as social anxiety & phobia, depression, addiction, dissociation, OCD, and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) throughout my life. I now realize that my beliefs were formed from early thoughts and feelings of mistrust and not belonging in this world as I felt worthless and helpless. I felt extremely unsafe and wasn?t taught to express my thoughts and feelings by and to adults as well as having them explain to me that those thoughts and feelings could be challenged, let go of, and didn?t represent who I think I truly am? a loving, spiritual being having a human experience.

Therefore, I have been a virtual prisoner most of my life as my pain and loneliness became my constant companions due to being lost in thoughts created by my egoistical left-brain, which did everything in its power to protect, defend, or enhance ?me? by attempting to control ?me?, others, and my environment based on my core beliefs. It thought there was a ?me? that needed protecting, defending, or enhancing as a way of surviving in this world as a distinct, deficient ?me?. I also became very comfortable with my pain and suffering as it seemed ?normal? and ?all-I-knew? throughout most of my life.

Eventually, my life became so painful, chaotic, and unmanageable that I could no longer live with the ?me? that I though I was and found the inner strength to seek out help from therapists and other people through various spiritual-based avenues, which allowed me to express the emotional pain that I kept pushing down and running away from my whole life.

If I had only intuitively sensed then, what I intuitively sense now, that I am an eternal, infinite, loving spirit or awareness that is intimately connected with and a part of everyone and everything in this universe. Awareness is formless and always available to me only in the present moment or I?m lost in regrets and resentments of the past, future worries, judgments of yourself and others, or being concerned with the judgments by others, so either living in the present moment with joy and peace or imprisoned by my thoughts causing unrelenting suffering in my life.

How I have been caught up in my delusions and illusions of what I deemed the universe, you, and me to be as I never investigated my assumptions, opinions, and beliefs until recently! My intuitive sense is that everything is connected together, a Oneness if you will, at an energetic, spiritual level. Can I prove it? No! Do I want to prove it? No! That is just more egotistical-questions feeding and reinforcing themselves.

What am I really certain of? Only that ?I exist? or ?I am?, which is constantly aware of my thoughts, my body, and my immediate surroundings whether I believe it or not, so it?s not a belief. Other than that, nothing except mystery and uncertainty as anytime I try to understand or explain the unexplainable I lessen the beauty or essence surrounding it as well as possibly cause more suffering to myself, or the possibility of others causing suffering to themselves, as my ?egoisticic? left-brain wants to be ?enough? by being more right or knowledgeable than others. Would I rather be kind or would I rather be right? I always wanted to be right until now.
In ?My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist?s Personal Journey? by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, she describes the left-brain as displaying analytical, narcissistic behavior; whereas, the right-brain tends to have selfless behavior, feelings, and uses the senses to interpret ?the big picture?.

After further contemplation, I realized that more than likely my right-brain had started shutting down at a fairly young age as I dissociated more-and-more from the world and my surroundings due to the emotional pain I wasn?t able to process or express to others, so I decided to write about my journey back home?to the present moment?and the insights that I have gained from my suffering through introspection, spiritual teachers, workshops, books, and therapists.

By forming close connections with family and friends, finding a meaning and purpose in my life; expressing and sharing my feelings with therapists, friends, and support groups; engaging in spiritual books and movies; and intuitively sensing that there is no ?thing? or no ?one? to forgive was I able to dissolve my core beliefs and finally get in touch with who I think I really am and have always been?awareness. A loving, eternal, infinite spiritual being having a human experience that is much more vast and wondrous than I could have ever imagined, helping me to realize that human suffering is pervasive in our fast-paced, over-stimulated, and technology-driven society. I now realize that my suffering and the beautiful souls who I?ve met along the way, were my greatest spiritual teachers. I personally do not follow any religious beliefs or doctrines, only use spiritual teachings as pointers to what I think is the Truth.

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Jan 3, My Journey Towards Death - Visitor's Poem

by Gia Guru Nayak
(Gloucestershire, UK)

Thoughts of my journey towards death, journey beyond it where there is absence of life, had to look for the answer, thoughts had to look for the meaning.

Sunny nice day on beach with my family, we all sat down building sand castles, close to the seawater that wasn?t very far. Started building one then few more. It had boundaries and were recognised as ours, recognised as mine. It had shape and was firm with bit of moisture in it, in no time water in form of huge waves decided to take it belongings with it, my sand castle away with it. Those sand castles, that stood firm and tall few minutes ago.

I got sad, I got quiet only to realise I had found my answer. I knew where my journey was going to, I knew where I would go when I was no more I. My soul would jump up high in the air, my blood as vapour, my flesh in the earth and big waves which took my sand castle away would come again to welcome me to get together with my family, all those elements I am made up of.

I will be still in this world not in the form I am now, I would not be recognised. I will be waiting for the next creator who would put me together, giving me a form, giving me my name. I realised I got quiet and calm to know the meaning and the answer to my thoughts.

I sat back to think for some more time only to get ashamed of self. My thoughts of where would my ill feelings go? I had within me. Where would they go? Would they travel with me? All the hatred, jealousy, and anger I have within me.

I heard some voice it was from my mind. That voice tried to say something. It shouted saying leave it to the fire it will burn it all away. That voice made me scared, that voice made me ashamed. I started to think if there was any nicer way.

As a natural way to defend myself I thought of good feelings I have developed in me. I smiled in a way it was to feel good and to convince myself that I had good feelings too which would travel with me on my journey towards death.

I heard some voice again. It was same voice from my mind, which said my good feelings would go back in the earth; my good feelings would go back with my heart, the flesh that is going back to the earth. I was left alone again with my thoughts to look for the answer, to know where my ill feelings would go? By this point it started to feel heavier it started to appear bigger.

All those ill feelings were in a way gathering every bit around to get heavier and appear bigger only to make me feel smaller and ashamed. I knew I had to look for the answer to dispose off my ill feelings, as I knew my ill feelings had nowhere to go. It was trapped in my thoughts it was taking its control. Laughing at me. I knew I cannot take it with me, I knew fire would burn my ill feelings all away but it would take me along with its blaze. I got scared, I got ashamed. Ill feelings made me smaller and smaller as it got bigger and heavier every minute. I knew ill feeling had nothing to do with my journey towards death.

I got ashamed, thinking why I developed it in the first place? I would have to go through the fire to get my ill feelings to its home. My ill feelings got taller than me looking on me and smiling. I could see victory in its eyes. It felt happy, as it knew that I wasn?t going to the earth where good feelings lived in form of flesh, in form of heart. I had tears in my eyes. I felt I was losing. Losing with things that I developed.

I still had some hopes looking for the answer. My eyes looked everywhere. It looked right and left, up and down. It looked up again. I felt I found my answer. Indeed I found my answer. I knew my ill feelings could go up in the sky in form of stars, which would twinkle in the dark. Show right direction to people who have lost their way, their way back to the earth.

I smiled as I found good place for my ill feelings to be. Its home, its authoritative position up in the sky. It was now time to get organised. It was the time to break my ill feelings into small bits. So small that it was easier to fly up in the sky. I knew I needed help, as it was difficult to break my ill feelings into small bits. It stood tall, heavy, big.

I noticed my ill feelings got numb. It stood there weak. It knew what I had in my mind. It knew it had to go, as it cannot travel any further with me. As it wasn?t recognised where I am going.

I was still looking around for help. I heard something. It was power inside me called Will which stood up slowly but firmly and said it was happy to help me but only if I agreed to do it in its own way. I was happy I had help so I asked what was its way? It said I would have to smile on every attempt of hitting my ill feelings to small bits. It said how difficult it would get when my will got stronger and stronger. How difficult it would get to start with and only get easier towards the end. Hearing to it I assured and promised my Will that I would smile on every attempt to break my ill feelings to bits.

Before I could move any further I heard a voice again. It said I could help. I was very glad with the feeling I had more support to break down ill feeling which I had build so far. It was Hope. It said it was happy to help me too but only if I did things its way. On asking it said that I will have to hold on to it very tight same time make sure I didn't lose it as it was very fragile. I knew it was very big challenge, as I had to juggle everything with smile on my face holding onto my hope firmly with my Will, which would get stronger and stronger towards the end.

I was very ashamed of what I had to go through to destroy something that I couldn?t take it with me till the end. Something with no meaning or no contribution. Something I developed all these years, which couldn?t come along to my journey towards the death. I am pleased I have solution that my ill feelings had somewhere to go. Be a star up in the sky, to shine when there is complete darkness. To show direction to people who lost their journey towards death.

I have started my attempt of breaking down my ill feeling into small bits. I now know how nice it feels. I heard some voice again it wasn?t my mind this time. The voice was from the sky. It said start today and only concentrate on your work. Do not get distracted. If you do yours then world is the nicest place of all. Do it together and it gets faster and quicker. Do it together but not for each other. We all are on our journey towards the death. Let's all get together. Walk hands in hands. As towards the end there is nothing more to hold on to but on the way there is plenty to drop. This walk is getting nicer and gentler. Let us all make this walk, our journey towards the dead a memorable one.

Gia Guru Nayak

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