Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Billy Connolly

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
Billy Connolly

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Billy Connolly

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
Billy Connolly

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Billy Wilder

A director must be a policeman, a midwife, a psychoanalyst, a sycophant and a bastard.
Billy Wilder

An actor entering through the door, you've got nothing. But if he enters through the window, you've got a situation.
Billy Wilder

An audience is never wrong. An individual member of it may be an imbecile, but a thousand imbeciles together in the dark - that is critical genius.
Billy Wilder

Don't be too clever for an audience. Make it obvious. Make the subtleties obvious also.
Billy Wilder

France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder

France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder

Happiness is working with Jack Lemmon.
Billy Wilder

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Billy Wilder

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
Billy Wilder

Hollywood didn't kill Marilyn Monroe, it's the Marilyn Monroes who are killing Hollywood.
Billy Wilder

I have ten commandments. The first nine are, thou shalt not bore. The tenth is, thou shalt have right of final cut.
Billy Wilder

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel.
Billy Wilder

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.
Billy Wilder

I've met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.
Billy Wilder

If there's anything I hate more than being taken seriously, it's being taken too seriously.
Billy Wilder

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Billy Wilder

It was hell at the time, but after it was over, it was wonderful.
Billy Wilder

My Aunt Minnie would always be punctual and never hold up production, but who would pay to see my Aunt Minnie?
Billy Wilder

Now, what is it which makes a scene interesting? If you see a man coming through a doorway, it means nothing. If you see him coming through a window - that is at once interesting.
Billy Wilder

One's too many, and a hundred's not enough.
Billy Wilder

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