George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

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George Carlin

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The Literature Page Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George CarlinFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George CarlinHonesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George CarlinI think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George CarlinI'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George CarlinI'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George CarlinIf it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George CarlinIf lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George CarlinIt's never just a game when you're winning. George CarlinSome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George CarlinThe very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." George CarlinThere are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George CarlinWeather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George CarlinWhen someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George CarlinI don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. George Carlin, George Carlin: You Are All Diseased

- 20 Quotations in other collections
- Search for George Carlin at Amazon.com

Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total Browse our complete list of 3150 authors by last name:

View the original article here

George Carlin

Read books online
at our other site:
The Literature Page Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George CarlinFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George CarlinHonesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George CarlinI think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George CarlinI'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George CarlinI'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George CarlinIf it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George CarlinIf lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George CarlinIt's never just a game when you're winning. George CarlinSome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George CarlinThe very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." George CarlinThere are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George CarlinWeather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George CarlinWhen someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George CarlinI don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. George Carlin, George Carlin: You Are All Diseased

- 20 Quotations in other collections
- Search for George Carlin at Amazon.com

Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total Browse our complete list of 3150 authors by last name:

View the original article here

George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

View the original article here

George Carlin

Read books online
at our other site:
The Literature Page Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. George CarlinFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George CarlinHonesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. George CarlinI think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. George CarlinI'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George CarlinI'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George CarlinIf it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George CarlinIf lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? George CarlinIt's never just a game when you're winning. George CarlinSome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. George CarlinThe very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." George CarlinThere are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George CarlinWeather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. George Carlin Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George CarlinWhen someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George CarlinI don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. George Carlin, George Carlin: You Are All Diseased

- 20 Quotations in other collections
- Search for George Carlin at Amazon.com

Showing quotations 1 to 18 of 18 total Browse our complete list of 3141 authors by last name:

View the original article here